A Light in the Dark
by Lils
Summary: Padmé had lost the will to live, but somehow she had lived anyway. About four years after ROTS AU.


Dedicated to my friend (and my beta) Amy who first made me watch Star Wars a few months ago. Without her, I never would have been prompted to write this.

_Disclaimer_: I don't own _Star Wars_.

_A Light in the Dark_

I died a long time ago. Not in the physical sense. But emotionally, mentally, spiritually, I died. I can still remember the meddroids saying that I was dying because I had lost the will to live. Yet I hadn't died. No one dies because they lost the will to live. They live. They live as hollow, empty shells of the people they once were. And in a sense, an emotional, mental, spiritual sense, they are dead. But physically, they are forced to continue living. Whether they want to or not. And I hadn't wanted to, but I had. And I now lived a sort of half-life. Stuck in the past, unable to move forward. My thoughts all centered around one person – my Ani.

His fall to the dark side had taken its toll on me. My dreams – my nightmares – were all of Anakin. My thoughts were all of Anakin. I spent my time watching the HoloNet, looking for any news of whatever Anakin was calling himself these days. I was barely aware of what was going on around me. Nothing could break me from the stupor that came over me when the mask that covered Ani's face appeared on the HoloNet. He never seemed to be on there long enough. The image was always too short. The familiar feeling akin to deflation came over me as the mask disappeared. The real world slowly set in and I started to wait patiently again until he reappeared once more.

My attention shifted as I became aware of an odd tugging sensation on my arm. I tried to shrug away whatever had grabbed me – probably Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan had often tried to get me away from HoloNet, to go back to living some kind of normal life. But life would never be normal again without Anakin. And eventually Obi-Wan reluctantly accepted my decision. But Obi-Wan wasn't giving up this time. The tugging was becoming more and more persistence until I finally glanced down. I let out a gasp as I identified the source of the tugging.

_Anakin. _

A smaller, child-version of Anakin. The little version of Anakin reached over and crawled into my lap. He was younger than I had ever seen Ani though, probably around three or four. And he was smaller too in terms of his build, his frame more wiry than Ani's had been. His face wasn't nearly as round as Ani's. But his eyes were the same shade of blue, though. And his hair was the exact same blonde as Ani's. It wasn't Anakin. It couldn't be. And I knew that it wasn't him, but still...

He looked too much like Anakin to be anyone else.

"Ani?"

My voice wavered as I spoke his name, waiting for the child's reaction. The boy scrunched up his face in distaste at the words.

"Luke," he corrected.

My eyes widened.

And I remembered a happier time with Ani.

"_It means light. We could use some light now."_

Luke. That was the name he had chosen for our son. That was the name I had given our son. But our son was a baby. Obi-Wan would place him and Leia in my arms while I watched the HoloNet for news of Anakin. Obi-Wan hadn't done it in awhile… when was the last time? Had so many years really passed? Could my son really be so big? So grown up? At least three years of his life passing without me noticing any of it?

No. It couldn't be him. It wasn't. Maybe I had been a little out of it lately. It had been a few weeks. Months, maybe. Not years. Not my son. He couldn't be. He was too old. Too big.

"Luke?" I asked tentatively. He nodded absentmindedly as he pulled at my arms. He was adjusting them so that they circled protectively around him. Had it really been so long since I had held my son that he had taken it upon himself?

"You're so big."

He smiled up at me with Anakin's smile.

"I'm smaller than almost everyone in my class. Leia too. But Obi-Wan says I'm just the right size. He says I'm Luke-sized."

I barely had time to take in all of his words. Class? My children had started school already? And I had missed it. I've missed so much of their lives without even realizing it. Barely aware of what was going on around me, so absorbed in my own problems. Mourning the loss of my Anakin and completely ignoring the existence of my children.

"Luke-sized," I repeated.

He nodded enthusiastically. His enthusiasm was exhilarating; it was infectious. I couldn't help but smile at him. It was such a strange unfamiliar sensation as my lips twisted into the once familiar, but long-forgotten gesture. I wondered briefly if it had been the same for Anakin.

"Leia teases me 'bout it sometimes. She says that Obi-Wan kidnapped me from Jawas and that we're not really twins. But she's a liar. "

I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I didn't know my own children. I knew nothing about Luke except for what he had just told me. He was short for his age and his sister teased him sometimes. Leia. I knew nothing about her except for what Luke was telling me. Apparently, she wasn't very nice to her brother. I tried to conjure up an image of her; I tried to picture her in my mind. But nothing came. I choked back a sob.

"You okay?" he asked, looking concerned and uncomfortable.

_No. _

"What else does Leia lie about?"

Luke smiled mischievously. Something told me that I shouldn't trust anything that Luke was about to tell me. Perhaps Leia wasn't the only liar in this family.

If what we were could be called a family, that is.

A mother who couldn't cope.

A father who was a mass murderer.

Twins that were apparently compulsive liars.

And a man who was not related to any of them who both a father and a mother to the twins.

"Everything. Leia lies 'bout everything. Like the other day, Leia and I were playing inside and we – maybe, kind of, sort of – broke… some stuff. But it wasn't my fault! Leia did it! You should put her in time-out when she comes back or ground her or sell her to smugglers or something."

_When Leia comes back?_ And I suddenly realize that I truly am the worst mother in the world. I didn't even know where my daughter was. I didn't know what my daughter looked like. And I didn't know anything about my son.

"Where's Leia?"

Luke rolled his eyes.

"She went with Obi-Wan to get some more blue milk because we ran out at breakfast. I wanted to go too, but not with Leia."

"Why did they leave you here?"

Why did they leave you here with me?

In other words…

Why did they leave you here alone?

"Threepio's here, but he was being all annoying so I shut him off him even though Obi-Wan told me not to. I shut him off last time too because I wanted to talk to you, but you were too busy watching the HoloNet, so you didn't say anything that time. You won't tell him will you?" he replied pointing to the immobile droid against the wall, completely unaware of the effect that his words were having on me. Luke had tried to talk to me before. And I had ignored him. I couldn't even remember what he was talking about. I was so oblivious to anything that wasn't Anakin. My son had tried to talk to me and I hadn't even responded at all. I was so far gone that Obi-Wan trusted an annoying protocol droid to watch over my son instead of me.

And with good reason. Threepio was probably far more qualified to watch after Luke than I was. The knowledge left a terrible sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach.

"I won't tell anyone, Luke. But you'll probably have to turn him back on or I won't be much help when Obi-Wan comes back," I said, trying to hide my guilt and grief from my son. Luke shot a wide grin at me.

"I will. I always do."

Always. Did they leave Luke behind often? Had Luke tried to talk to his unresponsive mother often before?

"Do they always leave you behind?"

"No. Sometimes I go with 'em when I don't hate Leia. And sometimes it's just me an' Obi-Wan and we leave Leia behind. And sometimes Leia and I both stay behind and we like to look through…"

Luke froze and grinned guiltily. I was about to ask what he and Leia did when Obi-Wan left them behind, but he started talking animatedly once more before I even had the chance to get the words out. It seemed like a skill that he had already perfected, probably after years of practice on Obi-Wan.

"Obi-Wan said he would teach me to pilot a starship when I turn ten, but I think I can make him teach me a little sooner. He says that if I'm anything like…"

Luke stopped once more. He looked carefully at my face, gauging my reaction.

"Like your father?"

Luke stared at me once more with an impassive look that I suspect he learned from Obi-Wan. He nodded.

"Yeah. Obi-Wan says I'm a lot like him when he was younger."

"You look like him."

"I know. Obi-Wan showed us holos of him. He was a Jedi! And I'm gonna be a Jedi just like him! Leia told me that I was too short to be a Jedi, but I'm gonna be one anyways! Like my father!"

I wondered what Luke knew of his father. Did he know what had become of Anakin? Did he want to become a Jedi in spite of what had happened to his father or would his dream of becoming a Jedi disappear as soon as he found out? What had Obi-Wan told them? She should have been the one to tell them. Did they think he was dead? Did they wonder why she was so fascinated with Darth Vader? Or did they know?

"I miss him too."

"What?"

"I miss him too," Luke repeated.

"Obi-Wan? Won't he be back soon?"

"No! Not him. Well, kind of, but… I miss _him_," Luke said as if placing the emphasis on the second "him" would somehow make who he missed clearer.

"Dad. I miss him."

But Luke didn't…

Luke couldn't…

It wasn't possible…

Was it?

"Sometimes I dream about him," Luke continued.

I dream about him too. Usually with yellow eyes surrounded by flames that were unrecognizable to me. I wondered whether or not Luke's dreams were similar. And I prayed to the Force that they weren't.

Luke answered my unasked question.

"I dream about all of us together. And we're happy. Dad's there. And you're there. And Obi-Wan and me."

I smiled, noticing that Luke had left a certain family member out of the picture.

"And Leia?"

"She's there, but she's nicer. I like her better in dreams."

I let out a small laugh. Luke smiled, looking pleased that he had gotten such a reaction from me.

"What happens in your dreams?"

"Nothin'. We do normal stuff. Sometimes we're all just eating together. And other times we just all talk or play a game or something. You know, normal stuff."

My hand wanders up towards Luke's face and I carefully stroke my son's hair for what I'm sure is the first time ever. Luke throws himself into my chest and wraps his arms around me. And then for the first time ever, I'm hugging my son so tightly that I'm almost afraid that I'll crush him, but I still can't bring myself to let go.

"I love you, Luke," I whisper. "I wish I could give you the life in your dreams."

That's when I notice that Vader – my Ani – is back on the HoloNet. His deep, steady voice is drawing me back into a trance. My grip on Luke slackens. I can't see Luke's face anymore, but I can picture the expression of shock and horror on his face. And I can't really bring myself to care about it at the moment. I think I can hear his voice shouting something, but it seems to fade into indistinct background noise.

Anakin isn't the only one lost in the darkness. I'm lost in a different kind of darkness. My grief surrounds me the same way the dark side of the Force surrounds Ani. And I know nothing but my grief. It suffocates me and pervades my sense until I can neither see nor hear nor feel anything else. But then, I have something Anakin doesn't.

I have Luke.

I have Luke who has just stood up and blocked my view of his father, in the way that Obi-Wan has ineffectively tried so many times in the past.

Luke whose name means light. It seems so perfect.

"I love you too, Mom."

Luke. A light in the dark.


End file.
